See, about a week ago, I found out that one of my sorority sisters, Alyssa, had passed away while studying abroad in London. I'm a good two-hour plane ride away from my alma mater and my sorority chapter and knowing that I couldn't be with my sisters in this ridiculously difficult time was overwhelming. I spent most of my time on Facebook, checking in with sisters and making sure that everyone was taking care of themselves. A few days later, the university released an official statement that Alyssa had taken her own life. It was, and still is, a rough time for a lot of the women in my chapter.
I'll be perfectly honest. I wasn't the closest with Alyssa. We were friends, but we didn't know all the details about each other. I can tell you that she had an infectious smile, the most interesting laugh, and she could kick your ass in a fight. Now I also know that her smiles and laughs were sometimes only on the surface. Reasonably, her death shouldn't have shaken me as much as it has. But being as far away as I was and seeing how visibly shaken so many of my sisters were by her death made me feel completely helpless. I was doing all that I could to make sure that my friends were ok but it didn't feel like enough. It still doesn't feel like I did or am doing enough.
I want to be back at my chapter house. I want to be there because they're going into finals week and are all going to be mentally, physically, and emotionally exhausted. I want to be there because I have no obligations during their finals week and could sit and talk and laugh and cry with them if they needed that. I want to stuff everyone full of comfort food and watch movies with them and build pillow forts and take inconspicuous pictures of those of us that fall asleep on the couches.
I want to make sure that each of my sisters and all of my friends know that I love them dearly, that it's ok to not be ok, and that sometimes you have to lean on others if you're in a bad place. Because I don't ever want this to happen again.